Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
