just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
