and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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