Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
