I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
