Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
