She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
