an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
