She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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