this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
