Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
