i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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