Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
