Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
