i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
