You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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