I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize