I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
