just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
