Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
