hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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