She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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