I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You are a genius and a whore.
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