I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
