when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
