shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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