An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
