Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
