Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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