Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
