I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize