Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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