they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
