Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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