i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just pynch a tree in the face
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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