She is in my trunk
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
