today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
