In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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