I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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