I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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