We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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