He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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