I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
