Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
