so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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