Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
