I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
