Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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