Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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