walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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