Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
