i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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