Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize