This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
