you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
